A Script For Nights We Cannot Sleep
And A Sweet Nod To the Folks I Work With
Happy Wednesday y’all.
This week’s article is dedicated to those of you who have been finding it hard to fall asleep or stay asleep at night.
According to the National Sleep Foundation, at least a third of adults do not get adequate sleep at night and about half of the people in our country feel excessively sleepy during the day three to seven times a week1.
I like to toss these stats around to normalize the experience of sleeplessness because when I work with people, I find that when we go for extended periods of time without sleeping, our experience of tiredness often creates a lot of shame. In fact, if I work a total of 6 sessions with someone, it’s fairly common that someone will unexpectedly cry in at least one of those session (unexpected to them, not usually me, haha). While it is completely normal to experience higher degrees of emotionality when we’re under-slept, most folks who cry in a session with me express a turning point of “wow, I didn’t know how much this was impacting me,” show up in an salient, emotional way.
While I’m never trying to make anyone cry in my sessions, I’m always a little relieved when it happens—especially when someone has been having a very tough time.
Tears are often a sign that the body feels safe enough to move through the stress-load that the body is carrying, rather than clenching around it and continuing to carry it along the way. Tears themselves, are a nervous system regulator2 and also help us bring a heightened state of awareness to whatever cognitive content we’re grappling with.
When people have a somatic release around sleep, as a practitioner, I find myself relax a bit, too. This particular type of somatic release often comes with a gentle turning of a corner. More specifically, what it often signifies is a new layer of awareness for the client about when they’re feeling safe and when they’re feeling activated in an unsupportive way.
More often than not, it feels like a huge win because this level of nuance is slow, hard work, and can take a lot of time.
Using Emotions To Our Advantage
While tears are the most obvious indication of how we’re managing or releasing our stress load in any given moment, they are not the only tools in our toolbox. Much of the work I do with people is helping them self-identify which internal experiences and external circumstances feel supportive to a restful, vital life and which internal experiences or external circumstances detract from a restful, vital life.
At first we almost have to start with the big emotions and sensations because they are the easiest ones to track. Anger, sadness, loneliness, grief, exhaustion, burn out, elation, anxiety. When any of these emotions are online, we’re not confused. We know what they are and we usually can track why they are here. When it comes to body sensations, we also tend to start with the big ones: nausea, headaches, lack of focus, panic, dread.
While many people have a lot of discomfort experiencing these, I think we sometimes forget how amazingly intelligent our bodies are. These exaggerated sensations are unavoidable clues that something is not supportive to our health and something needs to change.
The problem is, if we just put a bandaid or a quick fix on these emotions, wait for them to go away in a short term way and don’t work on changing our larger behavior, these feelings are going to come back over and over again.
This cycle can create a sense of hopelessness.
The magic is when we start to find the smaller, more nuanced emotions and sensations that tell us when we’re heading in a direction we like, or when we’re heading in a direction that will cause more discomfort in the future.
Once people get to this stage, it’s kind of like a fun puzzle. Not to say it isn’t still without its discomforts. There are certainly still uncomfortable moments, but it is significantly less distressing when we’re tweaking and optimizing, versus riding the highs and lows of chronic stress, chronic productivity, and chronic burnout as a result.
So what if you’re still on the rollercoaster ride of the latter? What if when you lie down at night your body is swirling and spinning and spiraling and you’re not exactly sure why?
Well, I recently had a sweet client who was in the process of deepening their nuance in this space, and I typed up an exercise for them to follow. Maybe it will feel helpful to you, too. It was helpful for me to write out, and I’ve been using it myself on nights, or early mornings where sleep feels evasive.
A Triage Script For the Night’s We Can’t Sleep
First notice that you're feeling activated — try to identify any sensations or emotions what alert you to your activation.
Is your head racing and ruminating?
Are your jaw and hands or other large muscle groups tensed up?
Is your heart rate or respiratory rate elevated?
Are there any prominent emotions in your experience?
Assess whether it feels safe3 for your nervous system to remain in bed:
If it doesn't feel safe, move to a place in the house where you feel some somatic relief (even if it is VERY small relief, do you feel more relaxed on the floor next to the bed? or the couch? Celebrating the tiny wins in somatic relief here is key!)
If it feels okay for the nervous system, the rest of this script can be followed in bed with a light touch and plenty of curiosity.
Try to take a few breaths and not necessarily push the activation away. Before trying to shift into a different state of activation, try to identify which state of activation you're in. Name any state of nervous system functioning (fight, flight, freeze, fawn). Name any prominent emotions. Name any prominent sensations.
If you can't fully figure it out right away, try some soothing mantras/compassionate conversation in your own words like:
"Hey body. I can feel that we are not feeling safe4 right now. Thank you for speaking up. Thank you for being here. I can tell we're uncomfortable and I am here with you. I am listening. What would you like to share with me this morning?"
Note here that sometimes you can be in multiple states of activation—so try to name as many as you can
"I am feeling angry and like I want to start a fight, but also frozen and unsure where to start."
"I am feeling low energy and burnt out, but also like I need to immediately get out of bed and start my chores for the day."
“My stomach really hurts and my mind is racing, and I am also feeling confused.”
etc
Once you identify which state of activation your body is in speak directly to that part:
"Hey body. I can feel that we are not feeling safe right now and that we are actively in a state of _______. Thank you for speaking up. Thank you for being here. I can tell we're uncomfortable and I am here with you. I am listening. What would you like to share with me about why I am in a state of _______ this morning?"
Repeat as many times as needed in your head, or in a journal—whatever feels most accessible.
If it feels safe to say with the emotions as they bubble up, see if you can remain with the feeling until it dissipates or softens5.
If the body is too activated to go through this process that is normal and okay, too. There is nothing wrong with doing some light distraction and using your other more standard coping mechanisms until things level out enough to be with these feelings in a more gentle way.
This might not work with any tangible results the first several times you try, because building a relationship with the body and noticing these nuances can take time. Remember, slowly and with ease is how we build trust with ourselves.
A Thank You To My Clients
As a last little note this week before moving on, I just want to express a lot of gratitude for the folks I work 1:1 with. As with any facilitation, teaching, coaching, or community role—the learning and growth is never one sided.
I am so grateful to have clients who are courageous enough to say “I understand what you mean, Dagny—but I have no idea what that actually looks like in practice! Can you help me with that?”
Typing this script out was illuminating for me, and hopefully gave them some more tools, too.
As for you all, I hope that you’re resting well, and that if you’re not, you can add this to your toolbox of nuance and nonsense.
With a bit more understanding each week,
Dagny Rose
This sub-section of The Art of Rest, is all about—you guessed it—The Rest.
As a trained sleep scientist and mindfulness teacher & researcher, here we explore the everything related to rest. Whether we are unpacking the newest evidence-based sleep health tips, exploring day-to-day tools for bolstering and protecting rest, or diving into a world of dreams, “The Rest” is going to regularly touch into what a restful life is, and how to move towards one5
Looking For A Personalized Way to Expand Your Creative Life?
My books will be opening again for new 1:1 folks in mid-September
I am looking forward to giving fall, winter, & guidance around sleep health, nervous system regulation, & creative practice expansion. I offer individualized 1:1 guidance for those who want to use rest as a way to meet their current worlds with vitality. Some folks work with me to optimize sleep for their next big adventure, or expand their creative lives. Others like to work for me seasonally for a tune up with restful tools to match the season of the year and of their lives. Some people are currently experiencing acute distress by not being able to fall asleep and stay asleep and we work together to co-create a meaningful, unique roadmap to get their rest back on track.
However you’d like to work together, feel free to shoot me an email at dagnyrose@theartofrest.me to inquire about getting started. Also, keep an eye out for upcoming fall offerings open to the Missoula community coming soon!
Not always, certainly. These things have so much nuance, but they can be in the right context.
This word sometimes catches people off guard. People will thing “well of COURSE I feel safe, what a silly question, I’m just here in my own bed. I know I am safe.”
And that’s all fine and good, but if your nervous system is activated something in your body is asking to be hypervigilant. Without judging yourself for how “illogical” this might be, it can be helpful here to sometimes get curious about what your body is hypervigilant to in that moment and speaking compassionately directly to the body.
Again, if this word doesn’t feel quite right for you, feel free to choose a different word that feels more aligned with you. Some other options might be: supported, comfortable, relaxed, at ease, etc.
Please note here that some of these exercises are best done with an outside practitioner or a therapist. This article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy or other professional help.